Reckless Beginnings Read online

  Inside, she found Joanne sitting at the dining room table reading a book.

  “Hi, Joanne,” Tammy said softly, not wanting to startle her.

  Removing her glasses, Joanne looked up. “Hi, hon, how was the library?”

  “Oh, I didn’t go in the end. Is Andrew taking a nap?”

  “Yes, I just put him down.” Sensing something was wrong, Joanne looked closer at Tammy. “Are you okay? You look upset.”

  Tammy joined her at the table, sitting across from her. Realizing Joanne knew her too well to try to cover up any more secrets and lies, Tammy knew it was time to tell the truth. “Is Dad home?” she asked, wanting to make sure they were alone before she went any further.

  “No, he’ll be in his office all day. He has a deadline to meet.” Joanne was visibly worried. “What’s going on, Tammy?”

  Thankful that her father wasn’t home, she took the plunge. “Joanne, I have to tell you something.” She paused, trying to choose her words carefully. “Well, Dad too, but I want to tell you first. Dad scares me.” She chuckled, trying to add a little humor to their otherwise awkward conversation.

  Joanne laid down her book, giving Tammy her full attention. “Okay, what’s up?”

  Trembling to her core with nerves, Tammy extended her arms out on the table and clenched her fists. With a forlorn look, she began her speech for the second time. “There is no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to come out and say it.”

  “Okay,” Joanne said, sounding both concerned and suspicious.

  Tammy took another deep breath. “I’ve been seeing Raymond,” she blurted. There, she’d said it. It was now out in the open. Letting out a huge sigh of relief, Tammy felt her body being drained of the all-consuming secret she’d been keeping for months.

  They sat in silence while Tammy anxiously waited for any reaction from Joanne. Surprisingly, Joanne didn’t flinch a muscle. When she spoke, her tone was flat, measured, and her voice was calm. “Seeing him in what way? Are you friends? Are you dating? Have you had sex with him?”

  Tammy hesitated. “I’ve been seeing him since he took me to the Gold Rush town. And yes, we’ve had sex.” Each time she released another secret, her shoulders felt a little lighter as the weight of the burden continued to drain away.

  Joanne remained calm. “I see. Although, I must admit, I’ve had my suspicions.”

  “You have?” Since when?” Tammy felt heat rising over her cheeks.

  “Since your first outing together. When you came home, you seemed…different. Your mannerism was different, your…” Pausing mid-sentence, she changed her tone, raising it a notch. “Okay, I’ll be blunt. You looked like a woman that just had sex.”

  Shocked by Joanne’s raw honesty, Tammy was unable to find any words. She listened to Joanne explain her reasoning.

  “I could read triumph and satisfaction all over you. And you walked around with a stupid smirk on your face, acting silly and much happier than usual. In fact, there have been many times you’ve come home acting that way.”

  Tammy knew part of her silliness was due to smoking pot. But she’d be happy to keep carrying the weight of that particular secret. She still had more to tell Joanne. “I’m sorry for lying to you, but I’ve been afraid to tell you and Dad…especially Dad. The reason I’m telling you now is because I want to move in with Raymond.”

  Up until now, Joanne had managed to stay calm through Tammy’s confessions. It hadn’t been easy, but she could feel herself slowly losing control. She had to talk some sense into the girl. “Oh my, Tammy, I wasn’t expecting to hear that. Have you talked to Raymond about this?”

  “Yes, and you probably figured out some time ago that I wasn’t at the library today. I was with him, discussing how I was going to tell you guys.”

  “I don’t understand. Why the rush to move in with him? Do you love him?”

  Tammy didn’t answer and instead looked down at the table.

  “Well, you can’t love him if you have to think about it.” With a short intake of breath, she suddenly sat bolt upright in her chair. She stiffened her lip and used a sharper tone. “Wait, Tammy, are you pregnant?”

  “Absolutely not!” she said, raising her voice slightly to add drama to her reply. So much for letting go of all the secrets and lies, she thought.

  Joanne relaxed back in her chair as her anxieties dropped a few levels. “Well, that’s a relief. I can’t imagine what this is going to do to your father. He’ll probably never want to speak to Raymond again. What was he thinking? He’s old enough to be your father, for Christ’s sake,” she said, shaking her head in disbelief.

  “It wasn’t entirely his fault, please don’t blame him,” she begged, squirming slightly in her seat. “We never planned for any of this to happen. It just did. He feels terrible, and he’s already quite certain Dad will never speak to him again, but we can’t pretend nothing happened.”

  Joanne was still confused. “Well, why the rush to move in with him? Why upset your father?”

  Tammy had to think quickly, her answer needed to sound convincing. “To be honest, I’m tired of sneaking around and lying to you both. To come out and tell you wasn’t easy for me, but it needed to be done. And, now that you know, it’s going to be too uncomfortable for me to carry on living here. I wouldn’t be able to mention his name or talk about him. Besides, I need my independence back. It’s been hard living with parents again.” Unable to hold back the tears anymore, Tammy’s body began to tremble as the sadness she was feeling poured out of her. “We never meant to hurt you or Dad, but we think it would be best if I moved in with him.”

  Joanne felt her pain and at least showed some sympathy by retrieving a box of tissues from the bookshelf and placing them in front of Tammy. Crying uncontrollably, Tammy pulled out a tissue and hid her face in shame. Knowing she had disappointed the two most important people in her life brought her to a crumbling state. After dabbing her eyes, Tammy spoke, her voice weak. “Thank you. I’m so sorry. I don’t know how I’m going to tell Dad. You’re much easier to talk to, and look at me, I’m already a wreck.”

  Seeing the poor girl so distraught, Joanne felt the need to console her. Reaching out, she gave her shoulder a tender squeeze. “Don’t you worry about your father for now, okay? But, I must be honest with you, I think you’re making a huge mistake.”

  Tammy sniffed and looked up. “You do?”

  “Yes, I do. You’re so young. You’ve just turned eighteen. You have your whole life ahead of you. You’ve been in this country for less than a year and you want to be with some guy who is twice your age and move in with him for all the wrong reasons. When you decide you want to share your life with someone, it’s because you love them and want to be with them. You haven’t even said you love him. Neither I nor your father can tell you what to do. I just hope you realize how foolish you’re being.” Joanne knew her words were harsh, but it was her last attempt to talk some sense into her.

  Refusing to make eye contact, Tammy held her head low, listening closely to every word Joanne was saying and knowing they were true.

  Joanne’s tone became softer. “You know, your father may not show it, but he thinks the world of you and your sisters. He feels guilty for being away so much when you were younger. He has always wanted the best for all of you. He’s haunted by Donna’s disappearance and blames himself entirely.”

  “Why does he blame himself?” she asked, finally looking at Joanne.

  Joanne leaned forward. “Think about it. If he had never brought Donna to the States, she wouldn’t have run away.”

  Tammy never realized how much her father was hurting. He was not one to express his emotions, but strangely enough, it appeared he had shared some of his feelings with Joanne. Tammy knew she would be adding to his pain by moving in with not just a guy, but a man he had trusted. A man he thought was his friend but was now dating his youngest daughter. Tammy couldn’t suppress the guilt descending on her conscience. She couldn’t deny her fear of poss
ibly becoming estranged from her father. But what choice did she have? She was pregnant with Raymond’s child.

  Joanne interrupted Tammy’s internal dialogue. “And I hate to tell you this, but your dad will probably blame himself for this too.”

  “Why would you say that?” Tammy asked, confused by her remark.

  “Because he brought you here, just like Donna, and he introduced you to Raymond.”

  “I’m sorry, I just don’t know what else to do. I want to keep seeing Raymond, but I can’t if I continue to live here. It’s not Dad’s fault and I don’t want him to think it is.”

  “I know, sweetheart, and if this is what you really want then, well, we can’t stop you.” Joanne reached out and gently squeezed her arm. “Leave it to me. I’ll talk to your father.”

  “You will?” Tammy questioned, surprised by her gesture.

  “Yes, I will. But, honestly, I don’t think you should be here when I do.”

  “You don’t? Why not?”

  “Because I don’t want your dad to say something to you that he may regret. I’m not sure how he’s going to react to all this. Why don’t you go back to Raymond’s tonight? You can call me in the morning after your dad has left for the office. I think that will be best.”

  “Joanne, I hate to leave this all up to you. I’ve made such a mess of everything.” Unable to control another wave of tears, Tammy reached for a dry tissue from the box.

  Caving into Tammy’s distraught manner, Joanne left her seat to console her. Tammy stood, reaching out with her arms to welcome her caring hug.

  “Shhh, it’s okay, everything will be okay,” Joanne said, stroking Tammy’s freshly mangled hair.

  Rising from her tears, Tammy shook her head to compose herself. “Thanks for everything. I love you,” she told Joanne.

  “I love you too. Now, Andrew will be waking up soon. Why don’t you go pack a bag and head over to Raymond’s? I’ll speak to you in the morning.”

  Without hesitation, fearing her father may soon return, Tammy hastily grabbed a few things from her room, said goodbye, and left.

  Chapter 17

  On the other side of the closed door, Tammy’s emotions peaked. Thinking of the terrible possibilities that lay ahead and slowly becoming hysterical, she sprinted through town, oblivious to the innocent members of public she mowed down along the way. Thankfully, her tears shielded her from the startled looks of disgust on the faces of those in her path.

  She arrived at Raymond’s in just eight minutes, exhausted and out of breath. Relieved to find the door unlocked, Tammy rushed inside.

  “Raymond! Raymond! Are you here?” she yelled, kicking the door closed with her foot and throwing her bags on the dining room table.

  Alarmed and scared, Raymond came rushing down the hallway. Meeting him halfway, Tammy raced into his arms. “Oh, Raymond, I’ve made such a bloody mess of things.”

  Raymond tried to console her as she continued to cry heavily on his shoulder. “Hey now, calm down. Tell me what happened,” he said in a soothing voice.

  Letting her tears subside, Tammy wiped her reddened eyes on her sleeve, pulled herself together, and began telling Raymond about her conversation with Joanne.

  “It was horrible and I feel bloody awful about everything. Joanne offered to tell my dad. I couldn’t say no,” Tammy confessed. “She also thought it would be best if I stayed here for the night. I hope that’s okay?”

  “Of course it’s okay. You don’t have to ask me. Do you want a beer?” Raymond asked, craving one himself.

  “I shouldn’t really, because of the baby, but it will help calm my nerves,” she replied.

  Taking a seat on the couch, Tammy leaned back and closed her eyes. After grabbing two beers from the kitchen, Raymond placed them on the coffee table and joined her. He stared at her with pity. She looked lost and withdrawn. Wrapping his arm around her shoulder, he was glad to see Tammy welcomed the hug and leaned into his body, resting her head on his chest.

  Embraced together in silence, they consoled each other while trying to process the current events unfolding in their lives. Both unsure of their futures and questioning their now fragile relationship with Tammy’s father, they were feeling ashamed and embarrassed. Tammy fearing she may lose her father and Raymond wondering how he could ever face John again. His once great friendship was now dissolved because of his stupid, selfish actions. He knew John would never be able to forgive him. Neither Tammy nor Raymond chose to share their private concerns with each other. Instead, they remained somber and quiet until it was time to go to bed.

  After a restless night of worry, Tammy woke early the next morning. Being careful not to wake Raymond, she tiptoed across the bedroom and wrapped herself in his bathrobe before going to make coffee. She was thinking, by now, Joanne had probably told her dad everything. So many questions ran through Tammy’s mind. How did he take it? Should she call him? Will he call her?

  Tired of the miserable rut she was in, Tammy forced herself to take a shower and then dressed herself in jeans and a blue tank top. Feely mildly better, she focused on calling Joanne after Raymond had left. She was anxious to hear how her father had reacted, although she feared the worst.

  Soon, Raymond was up and talking business on the phone in his office. Tammy kept herself busy by cleaning the kitchen. A half-hour later, he came out of the office and grabbed his jacket from the back of one of the chairs. “I have to go do an estimate. I’ll be back in a couple of hours,” he told her as he headed toward the front door.

  “That’s fine. I’ll probably still be here when you get back,” she replied, ushering him out.

  Mid-stride, Raymond turned and gave her a quick peck on the cheek. Tammy returned the gesture and watched him scurry to his truck.

  Within minutes of him leaving, Tammy raced to the office, sat at the desk, and dialed her father’s house number, praying it wouldn’t be him that answered. Holding her breath, she listened to the phone ring a few times and then, to her relief, she heard Joanne’s voice. “Hello.”

  Tammy relaxed and exhaled. “Hi, Joanne, it’s Tammy.”

  “Hi, hon,” Joanne said softly.

  Not wanting to deal with small talk, Tammy cut to the chase. “Did you talk to Dad?” she asked, anxiously gripping the phone with both hands.

  Joanne’s voice was flat, telling her what she had feared. “Yes, I did speak to him. I’m not going to lie to you, your father’s upset. And, like I suspected, he blames Raymond far more than you. He thinks you’re young and naive, but that doesn’t mean to say he’s not upset with you as well. I won’t repeat what he called Raymond—it’ll only upset you—but I must say, in all the years I’ve been with your father, I’ve never heard him use such language before.”

  Tammy began to fret. If her father had such hatred based only on the relationship, how was she ever going to tell him about the baby? “What should I do?” Tammy asked. “Should I come over there or should I call him on the phone?”

  Joanne sighed. “Well, your father doesn’t want to see you right now.”

  “What?”

  “He needs to calm down and accept this in his own time. It may take him a while and, if I were you, I wouldn’t rush him. Let him call you when he’s ready.”

  Tammy couldn’t believe her father didn’t want to see her. “Does he hate me?”

  “No, he doesn’t hate you. You’re his daughter. He’s just upset right now. He’ll come around eventually. Just give him some time.”

  Tammy was astonished. She didn’t realize how much this was going to hurt her father. Their relationship had always been good and they’d never experienced any conflicts, up until now. Lost in her thoughts, Tammy’s head buzzed with questions and fears. Mainly, she feared her father would never forgive her.

  “Tammy, are you still there?”

  “Yeah, I’m still here,” Tammy replied in a solemn voice.

  “What shall I do about your things? Your father won’t be home until tonight, so you can c
ome by and get them any time before then.” Joanne’s voice became stern. “But I must ask, out of respect for your dad, that Raymond does not come in the house.”

  “I understand.” Tammy had another thought. “Should I call before coming over?”

  “Yes, I think it would be best.” There was silence. “Tammy, are you okay?”

  Tammy held back her tears. “No, I’m not okay. I didn’t mean to hurt you or Dad, and I’m truly sorry. Will you tell him that and tell him I love him? I need to go. I’ll call you later.”

  “Okay. You take care of yourself. We love you, too,” Joanne told her, knowing she needed to hear it.

  After Tammy hung up the phone, she leaned over the desk and buried her tearstained face in her folded arms.

  Later that afternoon, when Raymond returned, they spoke about her conversation with Joanne. For Raymond, it was now real—John had ended their friendship. But he hadn’t expected him to take such actions with his daughter. He agreed with Joanne that Tammy just needed to give her father some time.

  After Raymond had been updated, Tammy called Joanne to let her know they were on their way to pick up her things. Joanne reminded her again that she must collect her belongings on her own.

  Leaving Raymond in the truck, Tammy approached the front door of her father’s house. Strangely, it no longer felt like home. Wondering if she should knock, Tammy paused for a moment. Deciding against it, she slowly turned the doorknob and let herself in. Feeling awkward and alienated, Tammy wanted this to be over with as soon as possible. She spotted Joanne, her back toward her, watering plants at the dining room window. “Hi, Joanne.”

  Joanne turned, placing the green watering can on the table and crossed the room to meet her. “Hi, sweetie, you okay?” Joanne asked while giving her a hug.

  Tammy lied. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

  Reaching behind the kitchen door, Joanne handed Tammy some canvas bags. “Here, you can use these to put your things in.”