Reckless Beginnings Read online

  “Thanks,” Tammy said softly before heading to what was now her old room. Thankful she didn’t have much to pack, Tammy crammed her belongings in two bags with speed and returned to the dining room with a bag in each hand.

  Approaching the table, where Joanne was reading a book to Andrew in her lap, Tammy placed the bags at her feet.

  “I’m all done. Can I ask you something?”

  Joanne removed her glasses. “Sure. What is it?”

  Even though Tammy was apprehensive, she had to ask. “I know Dad doesn’t want to see me right now, and I respect that, but would it be possible to come visit you and Andrew when he’s not home?”

  Joanne gave her a smile. “I don’t see why not. Why don’t you call me in a few days after things have settled down and we’ll see what we can arrange. Okay?”

  With Andrew still in her lap, Joanne remained seated. Tammy leaned over and gave her a hug. “Thanks, I will.” Crouching down lower, she squeezed her brother’s cheek. “Bye, little guy. I’ll see you soon,” she promised.

  Joanne took her hand. “You take care of yourself and remember we both love you. Your father just needs some time to adjust.”

  Shaken, Tammy could only manage a nod. She retrieved her bags and left out the front door, closing it quickly behind her to prevent Joanne from seeing her shiny, wet eyes.

  Once in the truck, her tears fell endlessly. Not knowing what to do, Raymond reached over and held her tight. Tammy cried hard, releasing the pain, the regrets of her actions, and the unknowns of her future. When she had no more tears to shed, she released herself from Raymond’s arms, leaned back in her seat and stared out of the window, mellowing deep in her own thoughts. If she had stayed in England, none of this would have happened. She wouldn’t be pregnant and she would still have a relationship with her father. Filled with guilt and remorse, Tammy wondered if coming to the States was a mistake.

  Chapter 18

  Living with Raymond was not how Tammy had imagined. She’d rarely seen him in the six weeks since she’d moved in. Within days, he had thrown himself into his work, leaving at the crack of dawn and not returning until after dark. It almost felt like he was purposely avoiding her. Rarely did they speak. With no affection or lovemaking between them, the relationship had turned dry and they both knew they were only together because of the baby.

  Realizing Joanne had been right, Tammy knew she was with Raymond for all the wrong reasons. She’d let panic and fear guide her and had made the wrong decisions as a result. With the benefit of hindsight, Tammy now realized telling Raymond she loved him was a mistake—fueled only by emotions and impulse—when what they had really shared was nothing more than pure lust. Sneaking around, lying, and the thrill of doing the forbidden, along with the risk of getting caught, had added danger and excitement to their newly founded affair. They smoked a lot of pot, laughed a lot, and had a lot of sex. In the early days, they had enjoyed the peril that came with the relationship.

  Tammy had not spoken to her father in over six weeks. Each time the phone rang, her heart skipped a beat in the hopes that it was him. But it never was. She missed him being in her life. She missed being his daughter.

  Guessing she was ten or twelve weeks pregnant, Tammy had growing concerns that she hadn’t yet seen a doctor for confirmation or the well-being of the baby. Still trying to protect his image, Raymond had insisted they see a doctor in one of the larger towns, south of Lonesridge. The nearest one was about an hour away. With the promise that he would take her soon, Tammy avoided asking him again.

  Raymond showed little interest in the baby. He never expressed any sense of joy or excitement, and rarely did he ask how she and the baby were doing. In her heart, Tammy knew it was over. But she was stuck; she had nowhere else to go. She was just buying time until she could figure out what to do next.

  After moping around one morning, still dressed in her blue bathrobe and slippers, Tammy decided she was going to make her day constructive. Letting out a groan, she pulled herself up from the couch. With her body feeling suddenly heavy, her legs weak and numb, she used the arm of the couch to stabilize herself before heading to the bathroom to take a shower.

  Overcome with dizziness, she rested at the kitchen counter. A sharp, cramping pain in her abdomen caused Tammy to hold her stomach while straining to make it the rest of the way.

  She slowly lowered her body into a sitting position on the closed toilet seat. Assuming the pain was part of the pregnancy, Tammy rested her head on her knees, hoping it would ease the pain. “It’ll soon pass,” she told herself. But it didn’t. She began to panic. Something wasn’t right. Beads of sweat formed on her brow. Her sweaty palms itched. In need of a towel, she slowly stood up. That’s when she saw the blood on the seat of the toilet. Horrified, she looked down at her body and saw the large patch of soiled blood on her nightgown. Trickles of red liquid ran down the insides of her legs and spotted the floor around her feet.

  “Oh my god! I’m losing the baby!” Tammy cried.

  Overcome with fear and exhaustion from the emotions ripping through her body, Tammy fell to her knees and wept. She wished she weren’t alone. Over her tears, she heard the phone ring from the office. Was it Raymond? Knowing she wouldn’t be able to make it before the answering machine came on, Tammy managed to calm herself down and subside her breathing so she could focus on listening instead.

  After four rings, the machine clicked on and asked the caller to leave a message.

  Tammy held her breath. Will they leave a message?

  She heard a cough and then…

  “Hi, Tammy, it’s your dad.” He spoke in a cold, stiff voice, expressing no emotion.

  “Daddy! Oh my god, it’s my dad!” Tammy screamed, knowing he couldn’t hear her because she couldn’t get to the phone. She strained her ears to listen to the rest of his message.

  “Your papers came in from immigration and you have an interview with them in two weeks in San Francisco. Because I’m your sponsor, I’ll need to accompany you. Joanne has all the details regarding the date and time, so I’d appreciate it if you would give her a call. Goodbye.”

  The answer machine sounded a final beep, followed by silence.

  Hearing that her father hadn’t asked how she was and said he wanted her to call Joanne and not him, made Tammy realize he was still angry. If it wasn’t for the immigration issue, he would never have called.

  With increasing pains and nausea, Tammy managed to crawl to the toilet and raise the lid. Still on her knees, she held her gut while she retched violently into the bowl. With great effort and through her agony, Tammy found the strength to run a hot bath. She crawled into the tub to soak her exhausted and bloodied body, hoping to ease the excruciating pain. Being engulfed in the soothing warm water brought a sense of calmness and slowly washed away her aches and pains until she drifted off to sleep.

  Having lost all sense of time, the chilled water woke her with a start. Shivering but now with less pain, Tammy stepped out of the bathtub, being careful to avoid the bloody towels strewn across the floor. Her trembling legs still felt weak beneath her as she wrapped herself in a clean towel and slowly made her way to the darkened bedroom to lie down.

  Chapter 19

  Returning home at dusk, Raymond questioned why the house was in complete darkness. He flicked on the light by the front door and threw his keys on the dining room table, surveying the apparently empty duplex. “Tammy, are you home?”

  Greeted by silence, Raymond didn’t know what to think. Where could she be? She has nowhere else to go. Concerned, he headed to check the bathroom and bedroom. He turned on the light in the darkened bathroom and gasped when he saw the bloody towels scattered in disarray across the floor. Fear and anxiety swept through him. “Tammy!” he yelled. There was no answer. “Tammy!” Still no answer. Fearing the worst, he stepped away from the bathroom, took a deep breath, and prepared himself for the worst as he made his way toward the bedroom.

  Like the rest of the house, the
room was dark. He fumbled for the light switch, found it and turned it on, instantly relieved to see Tammy’s outline curled under the covers. Not wanting to startle her, Raymond tiptoed across the room, crouched down beside her, and gently shook her shoulder. “Tammy, it’s me, Raymond,” he whispered. She didn’t move. “Tammy,” he said, louder this time. “Tammy, wake up! Are you okay?”

  Tammy began to stir from her deep sleep. Opening her eyes slowly, she felt the warmth of Raymond’s breath on her cheek.

  “Are you okay?” Raymond asked again as he brushed the mop of damp hair from her face.

  Grabbing his hand, Tammy buried her face in his palm. “No. Raymond, I lost the baby.” This was all she managed to say before bursting into tears.

  Raymond was alarmed by her news. “My god! What…how…are you okay?” he stammered in confusion as he lay down next to her. He cradled her in his arms, holding her tenderly while she pressed her face against his chest and wept uncontrollably.

  It took Tammy a few minutes to compose herself before she was able to talk.

  Raymond pulled himself up to a sitting position while still holding her. “Do you need to go see a doctor?” he asked.

  Tammy shook her head. “No, I’m okay. It was early in the pregnancy. I should be fine. I managed to take a hot bath and sleep most of the day.” Shedding more tears, Tammy gripped Raymond’s arm and squeezed it tight. “Oh, Raymond, it was awful. I felt so scared. There was nothing I could do. I feel terrible. It’s all my fault. The baby didn’t feel wanted. I showed it no love and that’s why it left me.”

  “Hey now, don’t be so hard on yourself. It wasn’t your fault at all. Unfortunately, these things happen,” he said, trying to reassure her. “Hey, do you want a cup of tea?”

  The thought comforted Tammy. “Sure, that sounds good. Thanks.”

  Before leaving, he helped her up to a sitting position and puffed up the pillows behind her back and neck. “There. How’s that?” he asked. “Want to watch some TV?” He grabbed the remote from the dresser as he walked by and aimed it at the television. “It will help take your mind off all this crap,” he said. Once the TV came on, he tossed the remote to Tammy. “Watch whatever you want. I’ll back in a few minutes.”

  As promised, Raymond returned a few minutes later with a hot cup of tea and placed it on the bedside table. Tammy smiled and leaned over to retrieve the mug, feeling the warmth as she cradled it in her hands. After taking a sip, she closed her eyes and lay back, letting the calming tea soothe her. Mother was right, Tammy thought to herself; she always used to say, “Never underestimate the power of a cup of tea.”

  Raymond joined Tammy on the bed and cradled her in his arms again. Both lost in their own thoughts and saddened by the events of the day, they lay together in silence. In addition to the guilt that was consuming her, Tammy was feeling a huge void. One she knew could never be filled.

  Keeping his thoughts to himself—mainly because he was ashamed to admit them—he was feeling a sense of relief that Tammy had lost the baby. He’d never imagined himself as a father or family man.

  Tammy interrupted his shameful thoughts, speaking in a soft whisper. “My dad called today.”

  Alarmed, Raymond sat up to face her. “He did? What did he say?”

  “I didn’t speak to him. I was in the bathroom and couldn’t get to the phone in time, but I heard him over the answering machine.”

  Raymond was getting impatient. “And?”

  “He only called to let me know I have an interview with immigration in two weeks and that he must go with me. He wants me to call Joanne and make arrangements with her.” Tammy raised her voice, slightly. “Not him I might add. He specifically said Joanne. He doesn’t care about me. If it wasn’t for the interview, he would never have called.”

  “Well that’s good news, isn’t it? You’ve been waiting a long time for an interview.” Raymond paused. “At least you won’t have to tell him about the baby.”

  Infuriated by his remark, Tammy raised her voice. “God, Raymond, you are so fucking insensitive! Is that all you care about? Your reputation with my dad? Don’t you get it? He hates you. You fucked his youngest daughter! It doesn’t matter that I don’t have to tell him about the baby. It still won’t change the fact that he ended his friendship with you, and trust me, he will never forgive you.”

  Tammy threw the empty cup hard on the floor next to the bed and heard it shatter. She flung the blankets away from her body, pulled herself up, and slid off the bed in a string of deliberately dramatic movements. Placing her hands on her hips, she glared at Raymond. “Are you not the least bit upset that we lost the baby? Or are you relieved, Raymond? Tell me the truth,” she snarled at him.

  Startled by her sudden anger and with chilling thoughts of what might happen if he told her the truth, he quickly uttered, “I was getting used to the idea of being a father. Yes, granted, I wasn’t overjoyed when you first told me. I was in shock. You have to admit, neither one of us planned or remotely thought this would ever happen.” He sat nervously on the edge of the bed, anxiously waiting for her next outburst.

  Not knowing whether to believe him or not and still consumed with anger, she stormed over to the closet, grabbed her bathrobe from the door, wrapped it around herself, and jerked the belt into a tight knot. “I’m going out on the deck. I need some fresh air.” Without looking back, she stormed out of the bedroom and slammed the door behind her.

  Feeling a slight breeze from the evening skies, Tammy sat quietly on the wooden chair as she tried to calm down. Leaves ruffled above her head in the surrounding trees and in the distance, she heard the occasional car drive by on the highway. Thinking about how much she had fucked everything up and how fucked up her entire life was in general, she felt her mood transitioning into a depressive state. Not knowing what to do next, Tammy stared aimlessly at the full moon above her.

  The squeaking sound of the screen door behind her interrupted her thoughts. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw Raymond precariously holding two glasses of red wine.

  “Hey, thought you might like a glass of wine,” he said. “It might make you feel better.”

  Having finally calmed down after her explosive exit, Tammy appreciated his caring gesture and gladly took a glass. “Thank you,” she said in a much friendlier tone.

  Taking baby steps, not quite sure of her mood, Raymond eased himself slowly into the deck chair beside her and took a sip of his drink before placing his hand gently on her knee. “I’m sorry if I upset you,” he said. “I didn’t mean to, and yes, you’re right about your father. He’ll never forgive me. I’m trying to wrap my head around it. We’ve been friends for so long.”

  Taking his hand in hers, Tammy gave it a slight squeeze, followed by a tender kiss, knowing he was trying his best to comfort her. “I’m sorry too,” she said. “I was feeling alone and scared. I was angry because you weren’t here when I was losing the baby.” Not wanting to start another argument, Tammy quickly added. “But it’s not your fault. How were you to know?” Tammy paused, thinking carefully about her next words. “And, to be completely honest, I don’t know what’s going to happen between us now. We both know the only reason I moved in with you is because of the baby. I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t got pregnant. Now that I’m not, where does that leave us?”

  Raymond stood up and squeezed her hand, followed by a tug, gesturing her to follow him. “Let’s not get into that now. You need your rest,” he said with a kind smile. “Why don’t you crawl back into bed, watch a movie, and I’ll bring you some nice warm chicken soup, okay?”

  Knowing he was right, Tammy wasn’t going to argue. She gladly took his advice and followed him to the bedroom, carrying the glass of wine in her free hand. Noticing Raymond had cleaned up the shattered cup from the floor, she set her glass next to his on the end table and waited for him to rearrange her pillows before crawling back into bed.

  Once she was settled, Raymond leaned over and kissed her gently on the forehead, wh
ispering softly, “Everything will be okay. You’re not going anywhere. Stop worrying so much and concentrate on getting better.”

  Tammy managed a little smile and nodded as she rested her tired body against the pillows. She had her doubts that they would remain together but was too exhausted to argue. Only time would tell, she thought.

  Chapter 20

  Unable to shake the huge void that had taken over her life since losing the baby, Tammy plummeted into a depressive rut. She mourned in bed for two days straight. Raymond tried persistently to raise her spirits with words of encouragement and affection, but all to no avail. Any hopes of their relationship returning to normal seemed like a distant dream.

  During the first few days, words of anger and hate fired back and forth between them, only to be regretted soon after. Clinging to the belief that, over time, their passion would return, the anger began to subside and both made the attempt to be civil to one another, agreeing to work through the emotions as and when they arose.

  By day four, Tammy was beginning to feel a little better. Physically, much of her strength had returned and her appetite was improving. Finally pulling herself out of her depressive state, she told Raymond of her plans as he served her coffee on the deck. “I think I should try calling my dad today,” she said casually as he took a seat next to her. “It’s been four days since he called. What do you think?”

  Raymond didn’t hesitate to answer. Even though there was no hope for him and John to reconcile, he desperately wanted to see Tammy and her father make amends. “I think it’s a great idea. I have to go look at a job after this cup of coffee, so you’ll have the whole place to yourself to talk to him.”

  Tammy shifted in her seat. “He actually wants me to speak to Joanne, but if he answers, then we’ll be forced to speak to each other. I need him in my life. As nervous as I am, I hope he is able to forgive me.”

  Raymond reached over and stroked her hand. “I’m sure when he hears your voice, all will be forgiven.”